Sometimes the most important wisdom is the shortest and simplest. I have the back of my 1995 Jeep Cherokee covered with bumper stickers. Cool to watch people behind me smile and even discuss what I have on the back. So I went online and collected about 30 pages worth in a word document. Have kept the choicest nuggets for your entertainment, education, and your enlightenment.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
A pessimist is never disappointed.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
An eye for an eye… leaves the whole world blind.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Are the noises in my head bothering you?
Back off! You’re standing in my aura.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the Earth.
Born free… taxed to death.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Clones are people 2.
Cubicle – a padded cell without a door.
Dear God… Protect me from your followers.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Do not disturb – already disturbed!
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Don’t bother me – I’m living happily ever after.
Don’t judge a book by its movie.
Don’t sweat petty things or pet sweaty things.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
Experience – something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Facts are stubborn things.
Few women admit their age. Fewer men act it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Forget the Joneses. I keep up with the Simpsons.
Frankly, Scallop, I Don’t Give a Clam.
Gene Police: YOU – Out of the pool!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
God must love stupid people… He made so many of them.
Gravity doesn’t exist. Earth sucks.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
Hang up and drive!
Hangover – the wrath of grapes.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Help keep the kitchen clean – eat out.
Help! My reality check bounced!
Hit me – I need money.
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
I am built for comfort, not for speed.
I am logged in, therefore I am.
I can resist everything except temptation.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.
I don’t care. I don’t have to.
I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere!
I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I don’t need your attitude – I have one of my own.
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I have an attitude and I’m not afraid to use it.
I let my mind wander and it didn’t come back.
I love Jesus. It’s his fan club that makes me nervous.
I march to the beat of my own accordion.
I owe, I owe, so off to work I go.
I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
I said “no” to drugs, but they wouldn’t listen.
I saw it. I wanted it. I cried. I got it.
I think, therefore I am DANGEROUS.
I used to be indecisive; now I’m not sure.
I used to have a handle on life… but it broke off.
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
I wasn’t using my civil liberties anyway.
I wish life had subtitles.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough.
If you aren’t completely appalled, then you haven’t been paying attention.
If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.
I’m lost in thought and need a map.
I’m the guy your parents warned you about.
It’s better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.
It’s not just a hobby, it’s an obsession.
It’s time to pull over and change the air in your head.
Join the Army: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill them.
Just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean they’re NOT out to get you.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
The light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
MAKE LOVE NOT WAR – see driver for details.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Meandering to a different drummer.
My freedom is more important than your good idea.
My Karma just ran over my Dogma.
My life has a superb cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
My reality check just bounced.
My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat.
Never assume. It makes an “ass” out of “u” and “me”.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Nothing is impossible for those who don’t have to do it.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Objects in the mirror are dumber than they appear.
Old musicians don’t die – they just decompose.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Reality bites – and I have the teeth marks to prove it.
Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
The road to success is always under construction.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
The shop called yesterday – your brain is ready
The speed of time is one second per second.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Take my advice – I don’t use it anyway.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
To err is human. To moo is bovine.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
Trust in God but lock your car.
The truth is out there. Anyone know the URL?
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What part of “NO” didn’t you understand…?
Witches are crafty people.
You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish.
You can’t have everything, where would you put it?
The young know the rules. The old know the exceptions.
Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
You’re only young once. You can be immature forever.
You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me!